I find myself in a season where there are infinite reasons to be thankful, yet I find my heart longing for that which is missing.
Why do we do that? Honestly…its annoying.
Can I for once in my life experience thankfulness without the onslaught of the tyranny of discontent?
I have moments, periods in time, where the thankfulness consumes me and my heart is overjoyed. Then, the all familiar reminder of the human experience…enough is never enough.
If I am honest, the past few days I have felt sadness and anger wishing circumstances and work situations would change, all while having an amazing job with co-workers and mentors who care for me, which the Lord has been so kind to provide. On top of that, being surrounded by friends and feeling terribly lonely because I don’t have that one person I desire to be with.
This is frustrating and, no, I don’t enjoy admitting this. My heart wants what the Lord has not provided.
This feeling, however you may word it, is a feeling we all experience. To one degree or another we all yearn for something the Lord has not provided.
To admit this in the Church, can be a negative experience (depending on your church). For some, any taste of discontentment is the fruit of some moral stain. As if the pinnacle of human sanctification is complete contentment.
Contentment is most certainly a fruit we should long to see AND discontentment is and always will be part of the human experience.
If discontentment is “desiring something the Lord has not provided” then we all experience this in one way or another. Along with discontentment come sadness, grief, anger, and loneliness. And when we decide our discontentment is morally negative then we resign our self to shame every time we feel the very human reality of discontentment. If you are like me, with shame comes self directed anger and a cycle of feeling sorry for myself.
What are we then to do?
Well first of all, lets just acknowledge how stupid the suggestion is that we can beat contentment into our hearts with enough anger and shame.
Equally as stupid and unhelpful, is to pout and/or take what you lack and wear it as a badge of honor which you use to boast what you have sacrificed for the sake of the Gospel. AKA, throwing yourself a pity party and inviting others over to celebrate with you.
Both internalizing and externalizing our discontentment, as defined above, is completely unhelpful.
Let me offer a different path. Not a solution to discontentment, but an invitation to engage your humanity with God.
It’s okay that I, and you, feel discontentment. Congrats, we are human. Let’s agree to say that desiring something the Lord has not provided is NOT a moral issue.
Without getting too much into the weeds, yes our desires can be a signal for us on the state of our heart AND desiring things that are not sinful, even sometimes things that are sinful, is simply a part of being human.
When we allow either to consume us and start impacting our actions then we get in trouble.
If you sit there today and long for that which the Lord has not provided. Same.
There is an invitation for you and I to grieve for that which the Lord has not provided, to feel the sadness and create space for the anger and loneliness to be felt.
Note that is is not a pity party nor beating contentment into our hearts, but rather an invitation to invite God into these desires.
One of my favorite passages in scripture is Exodus 33. Here we have Moses talking with God after the people built the gold calf, whoring themselves to a powerless inanimate object when the Lord of all creation has rescued them from slavery and gone before them each and every day.
God is angry and decides He is not going to go with the people of Israel into the promise land. God will be faithful to His promise and allow the people to enter the land, but He will not go with them. God says,
“I will not go up among you, lest I consume you on the way, for you are a stiff-necked people.” (ESV)
The promise land, what Moses has been yearning for, leading the people through their sin and stupidity, stands within arms reach. God has brought them to the edge and is telling Moses to go on in. Yet, Moses replies,
“If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here.” (ESV)
Moses chose the presence of God over the promise land. The land flowing with milk and honey. In fact, Moses would never step foot in the promise land. He would die in the wilderness with the rest of his generation.
Why does Moses make this decision? It would seem completely nonsensical to an unbeliever.
I like to imagine that if we were to ask Moses he would respond something like this.
“What is milk and honey without the presence of God?”
After this moment on Mt. Sinai in Exodus 33, God shows His “glory” to Moses. This great picture of the presence of God. Moses has just laid down the promise land not knowing if he will ever enter in, and seeks after the presence of God.
We never get any indication that Moses stopped longing for the promise land.
You and I can bring our discontentment to God, and instead of beating ourselves into contentment or throwing a pity party we can seek the presence of God in the midst of the grief, the sad, the lonely, the anger, and find that His presence is enough.
Life is not black and white, neither is our faith. Sometimes His presence is enough AND we are still sad…still grieving…still lonely… still angry. They can exist together. God never asks for part of us, rather He asks for all of us and that includes our humanity. God wants to use our humanity to draw us near to Him.
A proper exegesis of Philippians 4 tells us this very thing,
“…for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” (ESV)
Contentment is not found apart from Christ (AKA internalizing or externalizing), it is found IN Christ.
Sometimes His presence is enough AND and we still long for something He has not provided.
My prayers look something like this today:
Father,
My heart longs for what you have not given me.
I feel sadness and loneliness.
I am angry with myself for not being content.
My heart longs for what you have not given me.
Father, may your presence be enough.
Amen
Grace + Peace,
Jackson
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